Ok, so it’s after 2am here, 2:20 to be exact, and I’m unable to fall asleep. I have this problem pretty much every night. Some nights I’ll even start to drift off while watching TV or browsing the internet, or whatever else, and as soon as I go lay down I’m wide awake. John would say "just go lay down and you’ll fall right asleep" because, typically, when he’s home I do just that. But with him being gone I just can’t. I’ve never been able to sleep well when John wasn’t home. I just can’t do it. I feel so unsafe and paranoid that something bad will happen in the night and I would be helpless to stop it. If you’ve ever been to our house then you would know that we only have the one lock on the door knob in the kitchen and two locks on the front door, not a lot of protection if you ask me. I hate not feeling safe in my own house and I hate sleeping alone. I hate it. I hate having this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is going to happen to me and the kids while John is gone. I’m so scared that I just stay awake until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore, and then the next day I’m so exhausted and have no energy from my lack of sleep the night before. I am moody and irritable with the kids and have no energy to do anything during the day. I guess you could say I’m depressed overall right now. I hate feeling this way. My biggest fear is John not coming home. Sure, he says he will come home, but I’m sure all soldiers tell their family that. I guess I’ll just have to believe it when I see it.

Festival of Lights

Hey everyone, Kristin and I are planning a trip to the zoo for the Festival of Lights on Sunday December 28th. We'll be going in the evening, probably sometime between 6-7 pm. If anyone would like to come along with us send me an email at jess.buckley4507@gmail.com so we can coordinate times and where to meet and what not.

Just a Few Things

So I know it's been a really long time since I've last posted but, as you can imagine, my plate is pretty full right now. There are a few things I'd like to address, things that are coming from me, John and both of us.

Babysitting/Helping me with kids etc.
I know there were some that were a little upset by John's last blog post about helping me more. I just want everyone to know that if you have helped in any way, even if it was just once, or if you have offered but weren't able to help for any reason, thank you. His blog post was in no way directed towards you. His blog post was directed towards the people that said before he left "if you need anything let me know", but have not once offered to come and help me out. I have posted on here a few times (not recently, I know) that I've needed someone but have only gotten a few offers from the same people every time. I know some of you have said that you want to come help but you don't know me that well so you don't know how to go about asking or you're not sure if I would let you, you are John's family which makes you my family as well, if he trusts you then I will take his word for it. Please don't be afraid to offer to help me!!! I welcome it! Another thing, I can't ask people for help if I don't have a way to contact them. If you don't want to help then that's fine, but please don't say to me "if you need anything let me know", because that does me no good. I've posted my email address on here so you all know how to get a hold of me, and if for some reason I don't respond (for some reason I don't always get emails on this account, Melanie can testify to that) you can also try me at this email jess.buckley4507@gmail.com. If you choose to step up then great but if not then I must say that I am terribly disappointed. I'm not going to post every time I need someone, right now I'm just taking the help as it's offered, and I'm not going to call because I really just don't have the time for it. This is me asking for help. It is not something I ask for often because, as those of you closest to me know, I am usually let down.

Packages/Letters to John
John has asked me to let everyone know that the packages, letters and postcards are great and to keep them coming. This is a huge thing for his morale. There are days that he's not getting any mail and it really bums him out. Please, it does not take much time to write him a quick note or drop a postcard in the mail to let him know how much we at home are thinking about him. When sending packages please remember not to send any more candy, sweets and flavored drink mixes. Things to send that John really likes are tuna packets (they are easier and less messy than cans), chicken (I have no idea how he's getting this, in a can or packet maybe?), sugar free Rockstar energy drinks (he really likes these) and Mission tortillas (these can be gotten at Kroger's). Another big thing for him is pictures of me and the kids. I try to take pictures as much as I can but it's not easy to take pictures of myself doing stuff with the kids so please, if you have your camera with you or if you see I have mine then snap away! He needs more physical pictures, not ones sent to him on the computer so please keep that in mind when sending him packages as well.

I think that's about it for now. Thank you to everyone that has been helping out and supporting our soldier. The kids and I look forward to seeing everyone for Christmas!

Need a Babysitter

I know it's short notice but I'm in need of a babysitter for Saturday night. I'm attending a wedding for one of John's cousins and almost forgot about it until a few days ago when Joan reminded me (sorry Shauna and Brad). If you're available please email me at jess_buckley@fuse.net and I'll give you the details. Thanks so much.

John's APO

353rd Transportation Company
ATTN SSG Buckley, John 5605
COB Q West Base Complex Iraq
APO AE 09351

Babysitters Needed *UPDATE*

Ok, I've got my babysitters for my trip to Ft Dix to see John. I just wanted to thank Joan, Jeneen, Mick and my mom for volunteering to help out. John and I both appreciate this a lot.

Babysitters Needed

September 12th-15th I will be at Ft Dix to see John while he is on leave. I will be leaving the 11th and coming home on the 16th. I need volunteers to stay here with the kids. I don't want to just rely on one person for the whole time I'm gone. My mom has volunteered to stay for a few days so I'm in need of one maybe two more people. It will involve taking Marissa to school during school days. If anyone would like to help please leave a comment here or email me at jess_buckley@fuse.net with babysitting in the subject line. Thank you in advance to anyone bold enough to take these three on.

The Marvels of Modern Technology

Modern technology can be pretty great sometimes. For the past few days I (along with the boys, sometimes) have not only been able to talk to John, but we've been able to see him while talking to him. John and I downloaded a program called Skype. Through Skype we are not only able to IM each other but we are also able to call each other on our computers and see each other with our web cams. It's great to be able to hear each other's voices, but to see each other while talking is even better. Tonight I had Dustin and Chelle over to watch the Georges St. Pierre fight and John called on Skype. John was able to watch some (but not all) of the fight and also talk to all of us. He's also called during the day so he could talk to and see the boys. Roman and Shamus really enjoy seeing their daddy on the computer and often fight to see him. It's really great having the technology to be able to see and hear John with little delay. We miss John but this definitely helps to ease the pain of not being able to see him. This is going to make the deployment a little less hard, knowing that we can see each other's faces and reactions to what we're saying. And the kids will love seeing their dad on the computer screen (even though Marissa will probably be the only to understand just what it means to be able to see John). Modern technology can be a great thing.

A Year of Improvements

Well, as you all know, John left on Monday. It was pretty hard on me watching him walk away to get on his flight. I cried, a lot, for most of the day. The boys have been great the past few days and it's helped a lot to keep my mind off of things. There are some things that trigger the waterworks but for the most part I think I'm doing ok. Before John left we discussed some things that we would like to have happen over the next year, some self improvement and personal goals and some things we would just like to be done. I'm posting my list here because I could use some help with accomplishing my goals. I would like to have them accomplished or be on my way to accomplishing them by the time John comes home.

1. Getting healthy/ into shape: This is the most important on my list. I know my body is nowhere close to being what it should be. I don't just mean aesthetically, I mean overall. I don't eat the way I should and I don't go to the gym as much as I should, if at all. I don't like the way I look and I don't like the way I feel. In fact, I hate it. If you see me eating something that's not very healthy, say something. If you see me eating more than I should, say something. Ask me if I've gone to the gym and about my workouts. I have very little will power and almost no motivation so anything will help.

2. Organizing the house: Now that the basement is done it's time to get this house in order. As I said before, I'm a person with little motivation so I could really use some help with this. Offering to watch the kids is great. Offering to help with the house is even better.

3. Potty training Roman: Roman is quickly approaching his third birthday and we had hoped to have him potty trained before John left but it just didn't happen. He will sit on the potty and sometimes go before bedtime but that's it. He has no interest with getting out of diapers. If anyone has potty trained a boy and has some helpful advise I'm all ears.

4. Painting the house: This was also something John and I wanted to do before he left but just never got to. I want to repaint the kitchen, upstairs family room, master bedroom, boys room and Marissa's room. If anyone is willing to help it would be very much appreciated.

5. Pay off debt: There are some things that are on my credit report that have been hanging over my head for a while now. I don't expect anyone to help me out with this, just posting it here for my reference.

6. Fix eyes and teeth: Just some things that I would like (and need to) have done. I need to see an opthamologist because I know my eyes are bad and I also need to see a dentist about having my wisdom teeth pulled. If anyone is willing to help out with babysitting for these appointments and possible transportation with the dental appointment it would be greatly appreciated.

There may be more things that I add to this list but this is all I have for now. Any and all help is more than appreciated. Thank you all for the help and support of my family and I during the next year.

One Week Down, Two to Go

John left for 20 days of training a week ago and it's been pretty boring around here to say the least. We did get some excitement with the storms last week but that was about it. I, being the scaredy cat that I am, stayed Tuesday night in the basement with the boys. Not an easy task. They're used to going to bed at a certain time with a certain nightly ritual that was interrupted by the scare of tornadoes. The boys did pretty well, but fell asleep WELL past their bedtime. Shamus fell asleep around 10 and Roman about 10:45- NOT fun. Shamus was pretty cranky about being stuck in the pack-and-play and required a second night-time bottle to go to sleep while Roman constantly pushed his boundaries about staying on the futon. After all was said and done with that night we woke up to no power the next morning. Thankfully it was just Roman and I that were awake at the time and Shamus slept until just before the power came back on.

Then came Wednesday- John's payday from Planes and grocery day for us. John, being the wonderful husband that he is, usually does the grocery shopping so that I don't have to endure that torture with the kids but since he's gone I got to do it. Now this is something that really irks me about grocery store carts- they only seat one child comfortably. Some stores are adapting and making the carts wider to allow for two children to sit, some have the cars in the front (which means a smaller cart and harder to maneuver) and some have these seats that are separate from the cart BUT they only have a few (usually no more than maybe 3-4). So if you're not these when one of these carts become available then you're just out of luck. Normally if I'm just going in for a few things then it's no big deal, Shamus sits in the seat and Roman sits in the main part. But full on grocery shopping, NO WAY. Well I just happened to get to Kroger's right as a woman is taking the only cart that seats more than one child, so in the main cart Roman goes. Well as I'm getting what I need from produce the same woman is there and I notice she only has ONE kid. Needless to say I was kinda mad. If she hadn't looked directly at me when I walked in then it wouldn't have been so bad, at least then she wouldn't have known. But she did look at me as she took the only cart that seats more than one child and just kept on going. On top of that I had to see her in just about EVERY isle I was in, GRRR I was bitter. Well we go on with our shopping, Roman is trying to open everything I put in the cart or take everything off the shelves and Shamus smooshes my bread and keeps trying to throw my produce out of the cart, fun fun. I felt so bad for Roman. By the time we were done he literally had groceries on top of him, but he handled it well and kept complaining to a minimum. I finally get to the checkout and Roman, bless his little heart, helps me put the stuff on the conveyor belt (the whole time saying "I'm stuck" and "Here Mom"). As we're putting everything on the conveyor belt my phone starts to ring, ugh who is it now? I finish up and answer the phone on the way out. It's my Mom "There's more storms. You better get into the basement." I walk out and it's starting to POUR! By the time I was able to get the boys in the car we were all soaked- and I still had to put the groceries in the car. So the boys are in the car and not happy because they're hungry and I am battling strong winds and rain trying to get the groceries in the car. When all was said and done my groceries and I were drenched. When I got home I found that our neighbor Ernie had moved some of the stuff under the carport so I could back in and not get wet getting out of the car- thanks Ernie.

Besides all of that it's been pretty uneventful around here. We've had some rain and we've had some sun. We've played in the pools in the backyard on the nice days and stayed low key on the yucky ones. One thing is certain- John is very sorely missed. I can tell in the way the kids react to some things, the way they push me where they would never push him, the meltdowns and in some of the cuter things they'll do like cuddle with me for no reason or just a random "I love you." It's comforting to know that he'll be home soon but also bittersweet knowing that 4 weeks after that he'll be gone. Time just doesn't seem to want to slow down when you want it to the most.

Why Me???

John is leaving for Iraq soon. I know this, our families know this and anyone with any significance in our lives know this. So why is it that some people pick ME to vent their problems to??? For the next year I'll be faced with being separated from my husband and possibly losing him. I have the task of taking care of our children alone. I know that I'll have tons of family and friends around to lend a hand but at the end of the day I will still be here by myself with the kids. I have to explain to Marissa that John is off "fighting the bad guys" and answer that question Roman asks every time John is gone...... "where's Dad?" I'll be the one showing Shamus pictures of John every day so he knows who Daddy is when he gets home. I'm the one that will have to deal with their meltdowns and understand the underlying reasons for them. I'll be the one holding them while they cry for Daddy/John. If, God forbid, he doesn't come home I will be the one to tell them why. All of this stress on me for the next year, while being scared out of my mind as well and holding it together for them, and I won't even be able to talk to John about it until he comes home because while he's there he isn't going to want to hear any of it. He'll have his own stress. So the last thing I want to hear about is your trivial problems. Sure, they may not be trivial to you but to me, they are. Don't call me to tell me about the bad things in your life, for the next year I won't care and I won't have any problem telling you that I don't care either. I know I may sound harsh but frankly I don't care. I will have my own problems to deal with so please go find someone else to vent to.

Change is a Commin'

I know Roman is only 2 ½ (almost 3) but I swear he can sense what's going on. Every time John walks out the door he's at the window watching to see where he's going. When ever John is gone he asks "Where'd Dad go?" "Dad's at work?". He knows that John isn't going to be here much longer. The entire time John was is Minnesota (two weeks) he would ask where he was, when he was coming home. When John went back to Minnesota for SRP (only gone two days) he started waking up really early, sometimes 4:30-5 am and most recently it's been 5-6 am. He comes into our bedroom with his blue "gagi" (as he calls) and gets in bed with me and sometimes goes back to sleep and sometimes asks to watch his favorite cartoons. Last night was a little different. It was about 9:30 pm and John and I are in the living room talking and looking at stuff on the computer when we hear Roman's door slowly creaking open and there he is. He had been asleep for maybe an hour and we still have no idea what woke him up but he was up. We tried to get him to go lay back down but he started crying, he wanted to get into our bed. At his age he has no concept of time, all he knew was that he was asleep and he woke up and now it's time to get in bed with Mom. We let him lay down in there for a while (at John's protest) and eventually was able to convince him to go lay down in his room. 6 am rolls around this morning and like clock work there he is ready to climb in bed with me. I can say that I don't see an end to this any time soon and possibly getting worse before the year is over. Hopefully I'll be able to get him out of the habit before John comes home.

Well, here we go

Seeing that John had decided to create a blog about his deployment has inspired me to create my own about the experience. I see this as a way to not only deal with my feeling about the deployment, but also let John know what's going on around here while he's gone without having to directly tell him. I know that while he's gone he isn't going to want to hear about my bad days or how the kids act up at times and he's not always going to be able to talk or even want to, so here is where I can put everything and he can choose to read it or not or just read it all when he comes home. I can also use this as a tool to let everyone know what's going on while John is away and to let everyone know what I may need. So here goes one hell of a time the next year of my life will be.